Does it feel like something is missing?
Have you ever felt distanced from your partner after sex? Have you been left feeling unfulfilled, guilty or misunderstood after what should have been an amazing sexual experience?
While some of us are lucky enough to have had hot, passionate, mind blowing, sex with our partner; every now and then even great sex can leave us feeling like something is missing. It seems odd that after orgasm we could be left feeling disconnected, misunderstood or even cheap, but it’s actually more common than you may assume.
It’s true that great sex is physically satisfying, but when the connection between you and your lover is not at its best, you can still be left with sensations of guilt, even feeling unloved after orgasm.
Those of us who have experienced emotional disconnection with our lovers after sex are often left wondering, “What is wrong with me? What is the problem? Am I to blame? What just happened? Why do I feel like this? He just doesn’t get me….”
Likewise, when we engage in sexual activity that is not rewarding either physically or emotionally, there is usually a negative emotional response, which follows.
We look for a reason for feeling unsatisfied, unloved or disconnected. In reality, the reason we are unsatisfied with sex could be due to many factors including:
- Not communicating effectively with your partner
- Going beyond your comfort zone
- Being unable to explore and be creative
- Being with someone you are not physically attracted to (making do)
- Using sex to fill a void (feeling lonely)
- Being bored with repetition and routine
- Lack of quality time or privacy to enjoy sex
Chitchat your way to bliss
Most of us don’t talk enough about sex. Ironically though, if you are in a relationship, it’s always a good idea (where possible) to discuss sexual relations.
Why? Because unfortunately most of us are not psychic. We can’t know what our partner likes, wants or dislikes if we have never asked or been told. Find out what your partner would like to try and what they know they like – and let them know the same about you.
So it’s time to get real and tell it like it is, but before you discuss matters of the heart – ensure you consider the following guidelines to ensure you create a safe and open space for communication.
- It must be a judgment FREE zone, no right, no wrong and nothing to prove.
- Be open to sexual talk, needs and dreams; e.g. share one new thing you’d like to experience or try in the bedroom. Remember sex should be fun and sometimes using a tool can get you to start expressing yourself freely *Use the books 365 Sex Positions or the The Joy of Sex as references
- Men: being delicate towards your Lover, oozing tenderness and compassion and watch her open and flourish
“Each flower is a soul opening out to nature." - Gerald De Nerval
- Women; have deep respect for you Lover, it allows the space for us to surrender to allow Love and connection to flow
"It is at the edge of a petal that love waits." - William Carlos Williams
A Real Connection
There are many ways you can really connect with your lover, so check out the following tips, try a few and think about what resonates with you and your partner.
If possible, talk about this article with your partner because great sex starts with communication – physically and verbally.
- Intuition - People often do what they think is right, expected or what they are told when it comes to sex. Factors such as culture, gender, age, peers etc all play a part in what you think is the right thing to do to get sexual gratification and meaningful sexual relationships. Try listening to your intuition. If you think you may enjoy something – try it; test the waters so to speak. Don’t worry so much about what is right or wrong. Likewise, intuition can tell you when you are not comfortable with something – if it feels wrong – don’t do it. There are always alternatives. Don’t worry too much about the dos and don’ts; just do what is right for you.
- Voice - Don’t be afraid to speak out. How can your partner know what you want if you are too shy/scared to let them know? Speaking out also means talking during sexual intercourse. Great sensual words make for great sex. Use intonation, (the way you sound when you speak) seductive words and test the waters for what your partner likes to hear. Your voice can also be useful for finding out what your partner wants - ask them what they want.
- Togetherness - Great sex is only really great if both parties are satisfied. While it’s okay to ensure you are satisfied, making sure your partner is happy is also an aphrodisiac. When you know you have satisfied your partner, it can help with your own satisfaction during sex – and after.
- Know Yourself - It’s really important to know what pushes your buttons or not during sex. Find out what makes you hot and stick to that; of course leaving a little room for trying what you have not yet tried because unless you have tried something you won’t really know if it’s for you or not.
- Encouragement – Tap into courage to try new things and explore (within your comfort zone) and more importantly – have the courage to say what you will not do.
The Raw Truth
As a sex & intimacy expert, my mission is to have every man and woman to get their ‘sexy on’, owning that personal power and hunger, sharing your inner God and Goddess with each other.
Remember, Sex without Intimacy, Love & Connection... is just F**KING!!
It took a very long time for me to realise that you not find Connection at the end of mindless sexual encounters (trust me I’ve tried). Connection needs to be in established before sex. Many people presume that because they are in a relationship, their sex will be or should be meaningful; the problem is that when their sex is not meaningful, they become guilty and unfulfilled – searching for reasons or fulfillment elsewhere. You don’t build a house without foundations; nor does a satisfying sexual relationship come from limited communication, passion or understanding. Take a breath and a long hard look at your relationship. Do you really understand your partner’s sexual needs/desires? Do they understand you and your needs? Are you living without passion, connection, communication or love?
It’s time to take ownership and responsibility of where you are right now, draw a line in the sand and use that as your starting point of where you would like to direct your sexual life and relationships. It’s never too late to get real or to be real with someone else. Be open, dig deep, find out what really makes you tick or tickle – and do the same for the one you are with.
Here’s to fulfilment, love and abundance